One thing that is seriously mind-boggling is how powerful our ability to lie to ourselves (and to believe these lies) is. When you really think about it it is hard to even believe.

I am definitely using myself as an example here, but I think that most people have at least one memory of something like this - something you did where you look back afterwards and ask "what in the world was I thinking, that was so obviously a terrible thing to do / say."

BUT. When you were there, in that moment, you were rationalizing, telling yourself that you were doing the right thing, and felt pretty much confident that you actually were doing the right thing.

If anything I think this proves our need for wisdom to come from somewhere outside of ourselves. There is a person who never had this happen, every time He would look back on what He had done He was happy with His actions, He knew that they were right. Most of you know who this is.

We have to be led by this man. Not by our own wicked and deceitful hearts (Jeremiah 17:9). I have deceived myself many times and hurt many people because of it. Inconsistency and wickedness is so rampant in my heart at all times, I have no other choice but to anchor myself to Christ if I am to have any hope of being stable and capable of doing anything worthwhile.

I'm currently undergoing on of those times where you look back and ask "was I really doing this for so long and telling myself it was okay?" I have been living with a lot of guilt and a lot of shame and not really realizing how extensive and crippling it was. I have been experiencing some freedom from this recently which has been very humbling and eye-opening. I am completely undeserving of this freedom, though and i honestly don't remember changing anything about my lifestyle that would facilitate such a big change of heart. It's actually driving me a little bit crazy because i'm like "God, this is really wonderful, but how did it even happen? I did nothing different yet my life has starting going in this very different direction." I'm also fairly paranoid of going into a relapse like I have in the past, paranoid of this new direction being a temporary and fake emotional change that will soon pendulum-swing back into where I have been going for so long.

I honestly feel like i'm just now beginning to have even the tiniest understanding of who God is and what it is to follow Christ. Kind of like i've been on the ocean my whole life but have never left the cabin of the boat, and i'm just now coming outside and realizing how huge the ocean is and how much there is to discover underneath the surface.

There are so many huge, important, complicated questions in life that I often get overwhelmed. It is a testament to how huge God must be to have orchestrated all of life's events perfectly. He knows the answer to all of these questions.

Most of you who know me know that I love heavy music, and I could talk about it forever but I have wondered so many times what it is that makes it so very dear to my heart - and the only word I can really come up with is a word I believe is one of the most overused and underappreciated words in the english language, but it is the best one for describing what I love about heavy music: Passion. I am really sick of hearing that word, but it is a powerful and important word. This music just gives such a sense of raw, pure, unbound energy and (again) passion that no other kind of music can even hold a candle to. This is not to say that other kinds of music are passionless or not worthwhile, but at least for me, heavy metal is incomparably more powerful.

This power is so misunderstood and abused and neglected, both by musicians and by the listeners, but some bands and a few listeners have really tapped into it in an awesome way. The band in the picture above has a song where at the end, there is a breakdown and the only words are "love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, all your strength." The same song says this:

If we loved God to a teaspoon
of his overflowing cup
What would this world then see?
Our land of sorrow and turmoil
would swirl to a community of joy.

For me, hearing these words screamed and the music blasted at me does so much more than just singing them softly and slowly. Please don't get me wrong, I also love soft and slow music and there is certainly a time and place for it.

*sigh* all right, there's the end of my metal rant. I hope that wasn't too boring to read or repetitive.

All for now. Thoughts welcome