Due time for another of these.

A lot has been going on lately.

i'm not thinking too clearly tonight. I'm just kind of burnt out. Emotional energy has been scarce for me in the last year and a half, although I have been slowly getting better. I think the change to California will boost it, at least I hope it will. It's an interesting concept. It's almost like there's a fuel gauge on our hearts, and the more emotions we encounter and react to, the lower we are on fuel. My last relationship left me far, far below empty on that gauge, and only recently have I started to get some of it back. Shawn Ammons taught me a little bit about this. He said to use it wisely. Protect that energy and use it when it will accomplish a lot.


I can never predict how I will react to things. It scares me too. Sometimes i really think that all i ever do is react to things. If you know me you know that I am not someone who starts things, i only react to what has already been started. That has gotten me into a lot of trouble over the years.

I've also been thinking about humility lately. It is absolutely essential to have. The reality is that no one on earth has any reason to be proud, no matter what, ever. We are so tiny and helpless on our own. Pride has to be the most ridiculous of all sins. If we ever for a second think we are better than anyone else, we are being so foolish. Pride is defiance toward God, which is comparable to an ant staring up at Goliath (times infinity) and saying "that's right i'm stronger than you." Like i said, ridiculous. We know nothing, can do nothing apart from Him. And yet we truly are amazing creations. C.S. Lewis compares our existence to God's as God being the sculptor, and people being sculptures. Our level of existence is only the slightest shadow of His. A sculpture cannot move, think, breathe, act. And think how incapable we must be of how God operates. Wow. Humility is the only state in which we can be servants. And we are here to be servants.

I'm leaving really soon. Like, 4 days or so. I don't know where or with whom I will be living, I don't know any of my professors, don't know what church i will go to, don't know any students besides 2 or 3, don't know my way around the town i'll be in, nothing. This next month will hold a lot of unknowns. I'm gonna go for it hard though.

A few words about metal, because it is a huge part of my life-

To me, it tells me to go after what i'm doing as hard as I possibly can. I don't always listen, but it never changes its message. Singing is so mellow and happy and carefree, screaming your guts out has POWER. Not that singing is all horrible, because it's not.

Seriously, in church I take all the words that i'm singing, and translate them into screaming in my head, and every single song, every single time, becomes so much more worshipful for me.

Some people will argue that it promotes violence. Some of it does. When I say metal I am referring to Christian, or at least positive, metal. I think anything else is a waste of energy. I can appreciate the music, but it's not the same. I'm out of words for now.