Fractured

Generally, my posts start with a random flurry of ideas that quickly degrade into a meaningless mush of  emotionally charged statements and ramblings, which I in turn abandon into the embarassingly large abyss of my "drafts" folder.  I will try to not let that happen this time.

Life is so many things.  It is astounding.  Both strong and delicate, ordered yet completely absurd, full of glory and terror and everything in between.  One of the most amazing things to me is just how much different the experience of every person is.  People are shaped by each thing they encounter, each person and place leaves their print.

This season of my life feels quite a bit different than any previous.  For me, this is a time of undoing.  A time to let my life gently unravel in order to be rebuilt on a greater foundation.  A time for me to realize my mistakes, to place goals for my future, to seek what my purpose is and will be.  An important note is that I used the phrase "gently unravel" as opposed to "fall apart" or "implode."   The process has been a long one, and has been one small strand at a time.  There have not been any cataclysmic events.   Just a  process of God whittling away my stubborn heart one skilled stroke at a time.

I am unusually welcoming of the cold months to come this year.  Winter and fall are the seasons to withdraw, to meditate, to gather and prepare and wait.  To sit, and think, and watch, and read, and be silent.  I have been doing a lot of each of those things lately.  It feels very right.  Typically summer is my favorite season, because it is the time to go, to do, to laugh and be active and go swimming and be outdoors.  Perhaps that is why I felt so out of place last summer - because the season of my soul and the season of the year did not coincide.  Another interesting thought is the extent to which our body language reflects the state of our inner being.  Even our clothing plays a large role in this.  Fall clothing is modest, is more concerned (generally speaking) with comfort and function than style.  Our behavior generally follows suit, so to speak.  Interesting interesting.  We are undeniably woven into the rhythm of the seasons.  It is what makes us so excited to get into our best jeans and hoodie and get rid of the t-shirt and shorts.

I am not at peace with the way things are.

All my dreams have turned to ash in my hands, and how true it rings that I have been "grasping for the wind" my entire life.  I have been so captivated by the shadows dancing on the wall of the cave that I have neglected to look at the actual substance that is casting them, much less be concerned about what lies outside of the cave.  It scares me how true that really is.  It scares me even more to think about how much it must cost me to follow Christ, and how little it has cost me thus far in my life.

I can honestly say two things, for which I am grateful and blessed:   I am thankful for the path that God has led me on in my 23 short/long years, and am genuinely excited for however many more He has decided to give me on this earth.

This post feels much more put-together than anything i have written in a long time, and that is rather satisfying.   And I will leave with this scripture, which is one of those little statements that is deceptively small, because it holds infinitely huge implications for each life it speaks to.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Into the Fray

I have lots of thoughts and i'm lousy at putting them into words.  

Death is the craziest thing.  The one thing that we can't ignore, that turns all of us to ash, that we try to ignore but we can't ignore.

Beautiful things come out of dust, out of nowhere, out of the womb, out of heaven and the world with all its glory and all its terror.

There is something very important and profound about the thing we call love.  No one can quite figure it out but it is powerful.

There is something amazing that happens when people get shaken up.  When their world gets completely destroyed and they have to reconstruct everything they know.  They have to ask what and who it is that they truly love, what they care about, what claws its way inside of their restless, despairing heart and ignites that fire that we always talk about but don't understand.

They have to ask what it means to be alive, what it means to die, and why the world is the way it is.

Love seems to be the one thing above all else that keeps people going, that gives them a reason to live.

I kind of like it when things stop being so pretty and proper and fun and turn nasty, ugly, real, serious, and important.   Part of why i like the music that i do.

Once more into the fray...

Into the last good fight i'll ever know.

To live and die on this day...

To live and die on this day...




So who do you love, and why are you alive?

There is nothing as beautiful as grace, forgiveness, and love